My view of novel writing has changed, and so has my view on life with it. Over the last year, I’ve explored what I really think when I hear the term “narrative arc,” and what forms and stories actually pick my attention when I read the synopses of other novels and films.
Reading Speedboat was definitely the opening of a door I didn’t know existed in novel writing. When I opened that door, part reportage, diary, aphorisms, and observations of strange people at the library. A novel can be a space where ideas, experiences, emotions, and even a reportage or a memory have no dividing line with fiction. And In revisiting painful memories that contributed to my fiction in indirect ways, I realized I can keep going back to them, editing them until I make peace with them, or taking those images to an extreme absurdity that falls into the territory of the comic. I remember listening to David Sedaris talking about writing and saying that “Everything is funny, eventually” that’s so true. There were horrible moments last year that I thought I would never be able to look at and smile, but there I was, just a week later, finding myself laughing at them. I’ve learned to be more gentle with myself; and to use that same sense of humor to stop living by the clock. You see, the reason I’m writing this journal entry is because I’m panicking about turning 29. I am officially, or soon will be, no longer a twenty-something girl, and I always thought my twenties would be the best decade of my life. But honestly, my twenties were brutal. So much has happened for me, to me, and around me on both a micro and macro scale, but the taste of it is heavy.
So, I’m excited to say goodbye to my twenties, and yet I feel like I owe them something I haven’t done yet. That is the part that gives me the shivers: finishing my novel. As I turn 29, I really wish for this to be the year I get closer to my dream of becoming a novelist, of finishing my manuscript, and of finally reaching the point where I can find the right agent for it. I think once I’m done with that, I will be fine. I can let my twenties finish. And today is my birthday. I ditched my dinner reservations at El Gaucho to have a cozy home-cooked dinner at home with my brother and my sister. Currently my mood is “I really wanna be away, alone, and to marvel,” so next week, I will go on a gift solo trip to Ibiza.