Current state of things, post-earthquake. Relief. It feels like for my entire life I will be looking back at this moment, at this decision to leave, and will love myself even more for it. But right now, I’m in so much pain. But listen, Sama, this is a voice from a few days after this decision. This is a voice from the morning after, when you have already ended things and strongly broken off from something that wasn’t good for you. You are proud of yourself because you know what your worth is. Your heart is broken, yes, but you’re so much calmer, much calmer. You finally slept through the night, and this morning the sky is clear.
I’m realizing that one big asset of my life is how I changed my point of view on things, on idealism, on people, and on how I respond to the lowest moments that come my way. The heartbreak arrived like an aftershock, and in its ruins I found a clearer sense of self. I’m no longer waiting for people to change or for situations to change. I’m not putting myself through hell again. I walk out of that door. This eruption is so good for me. It’s a good point to re-evaluate things. And I’m happy to turn 29 soon. Yes, I finally feel good about it, because 29 is the number of years it took for me to feel so self-sufficient and confident, to know how much I can give and love and do, but also to know that I value that energy and love and won’t give it away lightly, and that above all I value my mental health, my writing, my peace of mind first. And 29 is the number of years it took to get my heart broken, but I don’t feel like something harsh happened to me, or that I’m unlucky. I finally think that something great happened to me. I broke free. Now, with less residue on my mind, soon, when I process my feelings, I can get back to my desk and proceed to write my novel. I knew something big was going to happen, and I think this will be a turning point for my fiction, as it is for my life.